There’s the shock and a state of high emotionality at the beginning, but once that’s done, everything flattens out and the horizon of new reality comes into stark view.
That’s where I am now. My daughter, her husband, and granddaughter left their home and moved from Chicago to be with me here in NM. It also offered my granddaughter a chance to grow up on dirt instead of concrete. Then, I went to Nepal for 2 months . After returning, my daughter et.al. moved into their new home. Now, it’s me at my home with the dog and sometimes the cat, and a vast expanse of silence.
I try to avoid terms like ‘living alone’ and even ‘living by myself’. Words are important so I say ‘living with myself’. There is nothing wrong with living alone/by myself/with myself. Years ago, I did it happily. Many people do and like it. One day, I hope to get there. But I will say, the transition is a big one. It’s a tough one. Although the silence has its advantages, it stares at me. Too often, I find myself the first to look away.
It gives me thin comfort to know that I’ll finally adjust. Between my husband’s long illness and Covid, my social life is flat. My work for Women To Be is my brainchild and so as all volunteers, it’s up to me to keep projects moving, infuse energy into team efforts, and generally create the organization everyday. Yes, it’s exciting! Yes, what freedom and creativity is available to me! No, from daily, constant silence, it’s not easy to give birth to this thing. I find I must dig deep to find motivation.
Writing this description of my current life is something I have been putting off for days/weeks along with planting flowers in my garden, putting away the clothes I washed, and going to the grocery store to buy no-prep food. They feel like missions impossible.
Some people say I should try medication. I thought about it. But right now, I’ll demure. Maybe later. Right now, my life’s situation is not an actual problem, it’s the natural unfolding of the inconvenience of a big transition. Right now, this is my life and I don’t want to miss any strange minute of it. And, I guess, I don’t want to miss the silence. With all the sound available to fill the silence and all the myriad possibility offered me in my existence, I’ll see where I lead myself.
Eventually.
